Three Seasons

The change of seasons. We feel it in our bones. The changes tell us we are on track. They inform our culture and give us a deep sense that what we are doing is right.

From when I was born until I turned thirty, I lived in four different places that went through the cycle of four seasons.

I remember warm summers in Portugal building sandcastles at the beach. I remember our apartment getting cold and damp in the winter and feeling mesmerized by the beauty of frost on the grass some mornings.

I remember humid summers in Illinois playing for hours a day in our family's above-ground, backyard pool. In winter, we crammed in post-school snow play before the night fell early.

I remember dry summers in Colorado, thunder rumbling somewhere in the sky almost every afternoon. I remember Christmases - the grass all brown and crispy, patches of snow in the shade, bare trees, and the brilliant blue sky overhead.

Even California had four seasons. I remember summers getting hotter and hotter, not a drop of rain with temps peaking in August and September bringing wildfires. By December, it was finally cool. Drizzly rains came and citrus trees were heavy with oranges and lemons.

When I left these Northern climates and came to Thailand, a tropical country with three seasons - hot, rainy, and cool, everything felt… wrong. Without the cyclical unfolding of four seasons, I felt like I had lost my bearing. 

December 2017 visiting Colorado and building a snowman ...versus...

December 2019 in Bangkok tromping around the flowers at the King's Park

But, now approaching four years of calling this tropical country "home," I now recognize the march through our three seasons -- hot; rainy; and cool -- and as the seasons pass one into the other I feel comforted because I expect them.

Here in Bangkok, the holidays come not with pumpkin spice everything or avoiding slushy puddles in the Target parking lot, but with an end to the rains, a stiff breeze, and runs at the local park amidst millions of flowers planted in honor of the late King's birthday. Every morning, we try to decide "Should we open the windows to let in the finally cool air or keep them shut against the pollution?"

In a few months, just as trees in the States put out fragile tight buds, the schools here let out. The heat index soars to 110… 120. I walk slowly along the sidewalk, hugging the shade, and pouring sweat. The smell of motorbike exhaust mixes with the smell of durian being chopped, weighed, and sold from the back of a pickup truck. With no rainfall and no clouds to block the relentless sun, even the pool and the ocean get too hot to cool us down and the entire nation throws water at each other to welcome the Thai New Year.

Right around when teachers and students in the States press through the last stretch to summer break, the clouds here quickly pile up high and dark, the wind whips. And minutes later the rain pours hard marking the beginning of five months of rainy season - time to pull out the uniforms and sharpen the pencils… back to school the kids go.

In September and October, pictures from the US tease us with images of sweaters and carved pumpkins. Here, the hot and humid rainy season presses on, no changes perceptible, though if you step outside and look up, there are hundreds of dragonflies flitting about just a few meters above the ground. Where they come from and where they go, I don't know, but I look for them every year.

As I now cycle through the three seasons from hot to rainy (and still hot) to cool(ish) I feel comforted because I am beginning to feel the change in my bones. Things are starting to feel on track. Things are starting to feel right again.

Isaiah - 2 years old

Isaiah turned two last month. What is he like these days? Here are a few little stories that capture a lot of the essence of two-year-old Isaiah.

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Late this afternoon, as dinnertime was approaching, I turned on the TV for the kids and got busy cooking. As usual, Isaiah heard my noises in the kitchen, came downstairs, grabbed a kitchen chair with his two hands, pushed it across the kitchen to the counter where I was preparing dinner, and climbed up standing next to me.

He busied himself with whatever kitchen things he could reach from his perch on the kitchen chair while I put greens and veggies into a bowl to make a salad. I sliced the top quarter off a lemon and squeezed the juice over the top.

"Mommy, want some lemon!" Isaiah said. So I gave him the rest of the lemon to hold.

"Slice it, Mommy!"

"You want a slice? Here you go." I handed him a circle of lemon and he squeezed the juice over the top of the salad, just like mommy.

Sometimes Isaiah and I prep a mountain of vegetable sticks for healthy munching. He loves it when I let him hold the carrot and the peeler. My large hands gently hold and guide his dimpled chubby hands that grip the carrot and the peeler. As the peels fall into the trash, he exclaims, "Oooo, mommy!"

Most mornings, Michael makes eggs for himself. If Isaiah is up in time, he helps. Michael cracks the eggs into a bowl and Isaiah beats them with a fork in just a few swift motions without spilling a drop.

Many, many hours are spent with this boy in the kitchen:

Isaiah is talking up a storm these days. He particularly loves his big sisters' most used phrases...
Look at me!
Can I see?
Can I try?
That's mine!
And my new favorite: What are you doing, Mommy?
His most impressive sentences are six or more words all strung together. Often they are about construction sites that he sees while I drive, "Oooo, Mommy, look! A cement truck out Cora's window!" Cement truck is pronounced "heh-ment truck."

Isaiah was thrilled when Daddy parked the car and walked him onto a construction site:

He also loves to sing. Amazing Grace, ABC's, Let it Go, Twinkle Twinkle and a couple Thai songs are his favorites.

When asked what color something is, Isaiah very confidently answers the wrong color. When asked to count, he says something along the lines of, "one two three four five six seven eleven twelve thirteen" while pointing to objects randomly and sometimes pointing to the same object two or three times.

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Isaiah started going to nursery/daycare at his sister's Thai school. The first two days he yell-cried... but only for two minutes. Since then, he hasn't cried at all. He is a bundle of cute energy whenever I pick him up. Today he told me "Anuban is so fun." This weekend, he started singing a Thai song about a butterfly that we've never taught him, must've picked it up at school!

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Isaiah, It is an absolute joy to get to be your Mommy. I am so proud of you, buddy!

Cora - Five Years Old

Our sweet, middle child, Cora, turned FIVE today! What is she like these days?

If Cora was an animal, she would be a worker bee. She goes to full day, Thai preschool where the production level that her teachers expect is more akin to American 1st grade. When she comes home, I ask her, "Cora, do you want to run off and play or do your homework?" "Homework!" she yells back. She contently sits at the kitchen table for 20-30 minutes, coloring, cutting and gluing, doing simple math problems, and painstakingly writing Thai letters and words that look like this: หนู

Some of her favorite activities include putting her laundry away, wiping walls with wet sponges while singing Cinderella songs, setting the table, and helping me cook. Every morning, she pulls up her bedsheet, tucks in her stuffed animals, and lays her blanket on top smoothing out all the wrinkles.

Cora eats and sleeps so much. When she is tired or hungry, all of her productive, self-sufficient energy evaporates and she crumples to the ground exclaiming, "Mommy, I don't want to do ANYTHING!" She goes from worker bee mode to sloth mode sometimes unable to even dress herself for bed.

Cora loves arts and beautiful things. She'll often disappear to another room in the house to work on a coloring book or to make a card for a family member. She plans her outfits and hairstyles days, sometimes weeks, in advance. She dresses up as a princess, Thai dancer, or ballerina every day. I taught Cora how to embroider, look at her go!

Cora loves to be silly. Her favorite word is butt in Thai "gohn." "Mommy look, there's a PRINCESS on my GOHN!" she'll yell, wearing just undies, her bottom high in the air showing off her favorite pair of undies that have Snow White on the butt. She bursts into a piercing cackle, her huge, almost black eyes gleaming and her mouth open wide showing perfect rows of tiny teeth.

Cora adores her big sister, Grace, buuut she can be a total little sister punk to her. She knows just what to say and do to burst Grace's bubble and she does it quietly provoking tears and screams. When I check in on why Grace is terribly upset, Cora has a sly, pleased with herself smile on her face.

Cora also adores her little brother, Isaiah, buuut she tries to be his little mommy. She is very fearful for him and protective, grabbing his hands or his waist and trying to move him away from danger. Isaiah usually starts fussing and crying, "No want to Doowuh!" (He calls her "doowuh"!) I often have to ensure her, "Cora, let him go, I'm watching him, I won't let him get hurt." My favorite is when she tries to carry him. He's not quite two-years-old, they are about the same size, yet she can usually get his feet off the ground.

Cora, I love and cherish you. It's so amazing to watch you grow and learn. I'm so glad I get to be your mommy!

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Each year, on my kids' birthdays until they turn five, I write up a blog post - an attempt to capture their personalities during their little years to remember later. These are by far, absolutely my favorite posts to re-read. Here are the posts from when Cora turned four, three, two, and one.

Swimming in the Jungle

I've been thinking a lot about parenting out of my strengths rather than out of some notion of what I think a good mom "should" do.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to bake cookies with my three kids, ages 6, 4, and 1. I don't like baking. When I think about the handful of times I've baked with my kids, I feel stressed. But, I have this image of a "good mom" in the kitchen, patiently helping her kids measure flour and crack eggs. So, I decided baking cookies together was a good idea.

Within about five minutes of starting, one daughter had dropped a raw egg on the floor, the other daughter had cracked a raw egg with the insides landing more on the table than in the bowl, somehow there was flour everywhere already, and the one year old was yelling "See! See! See!" wanting to spend the whole experience up high on my hip where he could watch the baking chaos leaving me short one hand that I so desperately needed.

I felt overwhelmed and I was doing everything I could not to roll my eyes and snap at my daughters. I told them how I was feeling, "Grace and Cora, mommy is feeling a little overwhelmed right now. You're not in trouble, but I need a break. I'm going to mix the dough during Isaiah's nap and later this afternoon, you can help me form the dough into cookies." Thankfully, they were chill and went with it. Who wants to bake with barely-holding-it-together-mommy anyway?

Fast forward a week, we were on vacation at one of the beautiful islands here in Thailand. After a couple of days of going to the beach and the pool, the pool and the beach, I pulled out my phone to see what else we could do and found the description of a short hike to a waterfall. "Michael are you up for this?" "Sure, let's do it."

The next day, we dressed our kids in swimsuits, packed lots of snacks, and coached them along a 600 meter hiking trail through the jungle to a waterfall that was just a trickle due to little rain. Over the next couple of hours, I took my kids swimming in the deep, cool natural pool showing them how to keep the fish from nibbling their feet and legs and showing them how to use the ropes to pull themselves up onto the rocks surrounding the pool so they could jump and slide into the water. We watched orange butterflies fluttering around and we fed cracker crumbs to the fish. The time flew by. I felt tired, but in a satisfied way from working and playing hard.

When I think of a "good mom," I think of quality time baking cookies together in the kitchen. When I think of a "good mom" I never think of quality time swimming in a natural pool on a jungle island. But, the cookie baking scenario stresses me out. The hiking and swimming scenario sounds SO MUCH FUN every time.

Since we live in a large city, adventurous hikes don't happen often, but I do enjoy sharing mini experiences of nature and adventure with my kids even if it's going to the neighborhood pool, trying a new Thai fruit or dessert together, playing at the park after dinner, or watering plants together on the front porch.

My husband doesn't bake and, if it wasn't for me, he probably wouldn't go swimming in the jungle. These are not his strengths. Michael is a total Bible nerd, devouring books and podcasts on theology and the Bible. He is also a gifted teacher. He can explain complicated subjects clearly and succinctly.

This strength has found its way into his parenting. When he is hanging out with the kids at home, he gets into deep conversations about God, theology, the Bible, and life - taking complicated topics that most adults don't even understand and packaging them in a way that our daughters can understand. When they talk theology, their endless questions meet his endless patience and Michael satiates their curiosity with stories, metaphors, and examples of really, really complicated stuff. He frequently keeps our girls happy and engaged for long periods of time by simply using this strength.

Doing only things I enjoy 100% of the time while parenting is totally unrealistic. There's usually a mountain of dishes at my house, homework to complete, groceries to buy. BUT letting go of my fantasy image of the good mom I "should" be and replacing that image with who I really am, strengths, weaknesses, and all… that sounds doable, life-giving, and runs a higher chance of me actually connecting with my kids and passing on some of the things I love to my little munchkins during these short years that they are under my care.

Isaiah - 18 Months Old

Isaiah recently turned one and a half. So, I'm writing a few thoughts down so the busy-ness of this phase doesn't make me end up forgetting how precious and fun he is at this age.

Isaiah has learned to assert himself into the noise and chaos of a larger family. Our daily dinner together is never quiet. Our goal is always to have one person talking at a time, but often one or more people are talking and one person is singing a Disney song.

Isaiah sits in his booster seat watching the dinner show, occasionally imitating some of the words and sounds he hears. When he needs something he interjects, yelling what he needs, "BREAD! BREAD! BREAD! BREAD!" Until one of us responds, "Ok, Isaiah. I'll get you some more bread."

Isaiah loves all things cooking related. He pulls out pots and pans and imitates my cooking perfectly. He takes off a lid, stirs his imaginary soup, bangs the spoon on the side of the pot, and puts the lid back on. Just like mommy.

Anytime something is on the stove or in the oven, he yells, "MOMMY UP UP UP!" Until I pick him up and show him exactly what's cooking.

Isaiah can't get enough of playing outside on our gated driveway in front of our house. He stands at our front door yelling, "OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!" When he gets outside, he throws rocks, grabs fistfuls of dirt, swings on his tummy on the swing, and yells "NAHM NAHM NAHM!" (Thai for water) when he wants me to turn on the outside faucet.

When Isaiah gets hurt, he not only cries from the pain, but he gets angry. The last time he got shots, he was in a rage for about 15 minutes! He also strongly dislikes the little fuzzy, hairballs that get caught in the corner of the room and swirl in the wind of the fan. When he sees them, his whole body tenses up and he yells (so much yelling with this one!) "FUH! FUH! FUH!" (which is his questionable sounding word for "fuzz") until someone picks it up and throws it away.

This picture has nothing to do with anything... but that face!

Isaiah's ability to speak exploded a couple of months ago. He went from grunting to get his needs met to, well, yelling his needs. His Thai babysitter watches him two mornings a week, so there are a fair number of Thai words in the mix. 

One day, we were sitting on the ground reading books. Every time he brought me a new book from the bookshelf she said "nah seuh." After wondering for a while what "nah seuh" was, it hit me. He was saying "book" in Thai - "nang-seuh."

His favorite word for many months has been the Thai word for tickle - jak-a-chee. He says it all the time. Once I asked him, "Isaiah, can you say Jesus?" He responded, "Jak a Jesus!" Another time, I said, "Isaiah, can you count? One, two, three!" He responded, "Jak, a, chee!"

Isaiah pretty much hates being alone. But, if a sister is in the same room as him, he can play hard for a long time. In the morning, when Michael brings him into the kitchen after he wakes up, he peers around the corner, straining his neck to see which of his sisters is awake. When he sees one or both he points and identifies them, "DORA!" "DACE!"

He wants to be just like Grace and Cora. He once even begged me to do his hair like them.

Thai women often give Isaiah lots of love and attention. So, Isaiah loves Thai women. Here he is, willingly hanging out with the women selling desserts at the food court.

Isaiah, you are a sweet, fun handful and I'm so glad God made me your mommy.

Finite

I am limited. I am finite.

When I look at my home, my marriage, and my kids and then look at my two hands and two feet, my intellect, emotional reserves, and the clock ticking on the wall, I feel so limited. The needs within my home and my family are often bigger than my resources.

How much more so when I look at the needs of my city, Bangkok, my countries, the US and Thailand, and this big, beautiful, broken world? I turn and look at myself and recognize that, without a doubt, I am limited. I am finite.

Into this space, come these two nuggets of wisdom, and I know the Infinite One is whispering Truth to me that swallows up the truth of my finite-ness.


"Our personal life is a finite thing: it is limited in every direction, in space, in time, in knowledge, in power. But God is not so limited. He is eternal, infinite, and almighty."


"It helps now and then to step back and take the long view.

The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work…

…We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders
Ministers not messiahs
We are prophets of a future not our own."

I pray that we would acknowledge our limits and allow them to be enveloped in the limitlessness of God. May we listen carefully to discern what God is inviting us to do, and what he is not inviting us to do. And may we do it well, trusting God to carry it to completion.

(Quotes from J.I.Packer "Knowing God" and from Archbishop Oscar Romero who was martyred for his human rights advocacy)

Pollution, the Wealthy, and the Poor

Schools in Bangkok were closed yesterday and today because of… pollution. For many weeks, the air in our city has been filled with a nasty particle called PM 2.5. If the PM 2.5 levels are under 100, most people are fine. Bangkok has consistently been over 100 and has even crept up toward 200. Our air is dirty, unhealthy, and downright dangerous.

Source: NationMultimedia.com

Over these weeks I have been struck by the difference between how people who are materially wealthy are able to manage the pollution, rarely breathing bad air, while the materially poor are breathing it all the time.

Just compare our family (we are most certainly wealthy here!) to the average family in Bangkok.

All day and all night, we keep our windows shut tight to keep out the pollution. We run fans and A/C to keep comfy and cool. We have two home air purifiers headed our way in the mail. When the purifiers are up and running, our home will be practically pollution free all day and all night.

A/C units and air purifiers are beyond most Thai family's budgets, so they must either shut the windows tight and sweat (it's HOT here) or fling them open to let in "fresh" air.

I tow my kids around in a car with, again, windows shut tight and A/C running.

Most families in Bangkok get around using a combo of motorcycles, buses (often no A/C, windows wide open), and song teews (pickup trucks rigged up with two benches in the back and a roof to block the sun and rain). As they go around, they breathe the air.

My daughters go to an upper-class, private Thai preschool/kinder that has closed classrooms and A/C units. The school has canceled all outdoor activities and they keep the classroom doors shut tight.

Most Thai schools, public and private, including the school my girls used to go to, are wide open to outside air. As kids learn, they breathe very polluted air.

When working, we are indoors in our home office upstairs or out meeting with people in closed, air conditioned rooms, offices, and coffee shops. We own one car, so Michael has switched from taking buses and song teews to taking taxis wherever he goes. A taxi ride costs 10-20 times as much, but for the health of our bodies, we can afford it.

Many people in Bangkok work outdoors sweeping the streets, working construction, selling flowers at intersections, selling food and other goods at the outdoor market. Even people who work indoors often have to get to and from work on public transportation that is open to the air.

Our family is a typical picture of many foreign families and wealthier Thai families living in Bangkok - we are able to put up a fortress against unhealthy levels of pollution due to our ability to buy and maintain expensive things like A/C units, air purifiers, a car, taxi rides as needed, and private school tuition for the kids.

The average family simply cannot protect themselves from the pollution.

So, as I build up my fortress against PM 2.5, I find myself praying to God for rain and wind. I pray for our leaders to pinpoint the biggest sources of the pollution and to find solutions. I pray that we would all be willing to cooperate with the solutions. I pray these prayers for myself and my family, so we can stop hiding in our fortress and get outside and play, but I pray these prayers more so for the majority of people who are breathing toxic air day in and day out.

Top Four Books of 2018

In 2018, I read about fifteen books, cover to cover. Here are my four favorites.

Between Midnight and Dawn by Sarah Arthur

publication date: 2016

genre: prayer guide

description: A literary guide to prayer for the seasons of Lent, Holy Week, and Eastertide.

why I liked it: This is a book of beauty, filled to the brim with Scripture, poetry, and excerpts from classic literature all pointing to themes surrounding the death and resurrection of Christ. It touched me to my core. Pick it up now to read during Lent, through Easter, and beyond.

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

publication date: 2017

genre: historical fiction

description: This story follows four generations of an immigrant Korean family as they make their home in Japan.

why I liked it: I love an epic novel that settles me deep into another culture, another place, another time. This book did just that. It is not a light or easy read in any way, but it is well worth the effort. After reading it, I come away with a better understanding of Korea's history and culture. Also, the author is a Christian and she masterfully weaved Christian themes into the book without beating you over the head. Well done.

I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown

publication date: 2018

genre: memoir

description: This memoir on being a modern Black woman in majority-white America delves deep into race issues.

why I liked it: Austin Channing Brown does not hold back as she simply and eloquently puts into words her experience of being Black in white-dominated America. At various points her story made me sad or angry or uncomfortable. In the end the book stretched me and stayed with me. A must-read for white people seeking to listen and learn.

When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert

publication date: 2009

genre: non-fiction

description: This book shows how our best intentions to "help the poor" often actually cause much more harm than good AND offers great insights on how to address poverty in constructive ways.

why I liked it: I've done a lot of reading and thinking about the topic of effective poverty alleviation, so I let this book sit on the shelf for years thinking it would be a lot of review. I was wrong! I learned so much reading this book and I am still processing the implications for the ways I use my time, money, and law degree to help others. I wish the entire American church would read this book and heed its contents.


Honorable mentions: 
"No Graven Image" by Elisabeth Elliot
"Seeking Allah Finding Jesus" by Nabeel Qureshi
"The Underground Railroad" by Colson Whitehead

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Here are my favorite reads from 2017, 2016, and 2015.